Who has one?
Mmmmmkay. Done being negative. Just shows you what life’s like without God, so empty! A combination of OCD, bad thoughts, bad enviornment, and bad choices (getting really drunk and disobeying Him) has hurt my relationship with Him. But before that it was so good for a couple days. Anyway like I wrote earlier, today may have been kinda down and crappy at times but I’m a work in progress! Jesus is with me, thank You God :) I love You Lord, thank You! And I think it’s okay to be sad and feel down sometimes, but it’s important to pick yourself up and figure out how to do things differently. I’m in charge of track, I have a great friends and family, I have America, beautiful America, I have my life, and my health, and most of all the Lord! So thank You God, I love You. Please take care of me Jesus. And of everything. Thank You So much amen:)
And I know I’m blessed, and thankful, but right now I just need to vent, and this is my place to do it, freely and openly. I hate avoiding people, and I hate awkward situations. And I HATE being afraid. When I see people, I think theyre thinking bad things about me or they don’t like me, or that I’ll do something to make them not like me. I hate fear, I hate showing it because I hate looking/feeling/seeming/acting inferior. It sucks. It also sucks putting up a wall. I am blessed with some great friends. But it’s hard because I don’t have that many. Many aquaintences, few friends. Not even the non close friends. Like do I put up a wall? All of my close friends are from the past, atleast from a year ago. My guy friends are especially few, but girls too, really. Sometimes I act like a loner, isolating myself, and inside I hate it. When I’m myself, when I’m social, I thrive. I want more friends, close friends but also and especially some not best/closest but just friends! I don’t want people to not like me, because I’m afraid of it spiraling to make no one like me, or everyone hate me, and to “lose everything I’ve built upon” even though that’s a crap lie and I’m just sabatoging myself, throwing away my opportunities, and focusing on some of the wrong things and people. Like who cares?! Stop labeling. It makes me hate myself, and I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but I hate when I act that way. It’s paralyzing and crippling and killing. And why do I focus on all the little things? Why do I let them affect me so much? It’s great when it’s the good stuff, but when it’s the bad stuff, it absolutely sucks and can last for hours, for the day! And I downplay the good and zero in/over think/over hype the bad.
I’m not having a good day. I hate being quiet. I HATE IT. And there’s just so much going on, every day. Which I’m thankful for, but it just gets hard sometimes. Really hard sometimes. And I feel really bad. Sorrowful. Depressed. I don’t know who I am anymore. I see myself in the way I believe others see me, most often in a very negative, critical, defeating light. It’s not flattering. And I’m always down on myself. I care so much what people think of me, of being “popular.” I’m so sick of it. One of the worst feelings is not being able to be yourself. It really is. And I’ve dealt with this, hid for so long, in this little shell, or behind my friends. I could cry, I can’t stand it. And constantly analyzing what people think of me, it’s absolutely terrible and crippling to my mind, to my heart and soul. Someone just said “hey bailey:)!” like why can’t I see the good things, whenever I do, even just now, I’m always afraid that I’m going to mess it up, and as a consequence of that fear, I often do. To be cont
Trust, Thankfulness, and Strength
I haven’t been on this blog, my old blog, in a while, and I just read my old posts from up to a year ago. OH MY GOSH WAS I A HYPOCRITE! I was lost. I talked about getting drunk and loving God, sometimes in the same paragraph! I was acting totally of this world. I was confused, broken, and I’ll say it again, lost. Now, that’s not to say I’m this amazing person now….I’m not (I mean in terms of what I do, not who I am). I’m still confused, still broken, still a little lost. But I always talked about how God has a plan for me, and he really does! Through this tumblr, He’s shown me how far I’ve come, because of Him….how far He’s brought me, and that He’s continuing working in my life, in me, and taking me to better places than I could have ever imagined. I’ve been feeling really down lately, and in the middle of the night last night was terrible, but God showed me a song on my dash (new blog) that starts with “you’re up all night thinking your worlds not going right” and its about Him making me stronger, just wait a little longer, He’s bringing me through this, through everything. So Lord, THANK YOU! He’s also helped me to not smoke, to not get drunk, cut down/stop drinking, grow in my faith, not need to get drunk at parties to be comfortable, and set me free from so much crap. I’m a work in progress. I just had a talk with my dad about always getting better, and it’s really true. I’m so thankful for all of the wonderf people in my life. Thank you God for everything. Thank you Jesus! And the guy I always talked about? I know now that I deserve better than that, and I’m do thankful things didn’t workout with him because I know there is someone who is right for me out there. And God will bring us together at the right time. I still struggle, I’m still messy, but Jesus is with me. I don’t know where I would be without God and I don’t want to know. Thank you Father, so much, thank you. And like I said, it’s all a work in progress. God has a plan, and as I continue to seek Him He will take care of me and make me stronger. As long as I follow Him, I’m right where I need to be. Life can be scary, but I just gotta trust Him. Much love.
